So, yeah, Deep Thought Whine really touched upon a lot of, um... interesting topics. One of those was how a relatively insignificant little phrase can turn into a really annoying writer's tick. Who knows the mysteries of the phrase "I assure you"? Is it an in-joke, like 47? Is it an insight into how a person that says "I assure you" should NEVAR be trusted? Or were the writer just smoking too much reefer...? We may never know...
The first appearance of Marc Alaimo as a Cardassian was as Gul Machete in "The Warrior" on TNG. After his assistant, Glinn Penn&Teller, tried to HAXXOR the Enterprise computer, Gul MACE was all like to captain Pickaxe, "I deeply regret (while his fingers were crossed behind his back - WATCH THE EP) what my aide has done, cap'n. YOU HAVE MY WORD he will be disciplined upon my return."
Then towards the end of the ep when cap'n nose-Picker is telling griMace that the Cardassian cargo runs were suspicious, Macet was all like, "Captain, I assure you..." and then Baldy was like, "talk to the hand."
As loyal fans, we should have seen this coming right then and there.
Appearances of the PhraseEdit
Episode 1: The Emissary (or was it 'A New Hope'? or maybe 'the Phantom Menace' *groan*)Edit
When Gull-wing Dukat walks into the Sizzle's office. The Duck-it says he misses his old office. Benny snaps Duck-o and says he can come back any time he's feeling homesick. Then the Gull says: "you're very gracious. And allow me to assure you that we only want to be helpful in this difficult transition."
And so the saga begins.
As if that wasn't enough, someone ELSE says it AGAIN!!!! And guess who? It's not whom you might have expected - I assure you!
And Jasad is all, "We do not accept your explanation. Somehow you have destroyed our warship"
And Kira's is all like, (think pretty think pretty think pretty) "Gul Jasad, I assure you -"
And Jasad is like, ZIP IT!!! "We demand the unconditional surrender of this space station or we will open fire (and bust a cap in your ass.)"
So you see, Kira had her trap shut by that Cardassian (see, they're not all bad. another lesson from DTW.)
Episode 4: A Man AloneEdit
At the end of the episode, when Ibustan-hiding-as-Sean-Connery is confronted by Mr. Putty, he tries to act as though he is innocent: "I assure you, you are in error." Then Bendy is all, "um, no." And pulls his mask off a-la-Scooby Doo. (i am NOT making this up)
Episode 6: Captive PursuitEdit
So Lafayette is handling a complaint from one of Quirk's dabo girls about how her contract tells her she has to stick her finger in her boss's ear or some such thing. And the Sisko says, "I'm not a legal expert either, but I can assure you after I talk to Quark he won't hold you or anyone else to this provision concerning the exchange..." and then Kira pushes along the plot. Beginning to detect a pattern, are we?
Episode 7: Q-LessEdit
As Quack auctions off Rash's relics, Q tries to spook the bidders by telling them that the DTW space station is in danger. Quack then says, "uh, ladies and gentlemen, I assure you everything is under control!" Like he even knows what's going on, much less can do anything about it. He then goes on to offer the bidders free liquor and sex, thereby following the 765th rule of acquisition: drunk clients are good clients.
Episode 9: The PassengerEdit
At the beginning of the episode, the jailer-lady says, "Don't go in there!" and Dr. Jerkowitz, always the hero, says, "I assure you, in this condition he's of no threat to anyone!" How wrong he was...
Doctor Basher goes on to say, "Ms. Kajada, I assure you, he is dead." So much for thinking out of the box. That's the thing about Truck Stop Nine: the characters are not Mr. Perfectly-Pressed-Pants, like Kirk, or even Mr. Philosophah with a charming intellectual accent, like Picard. They're all pretty flawed. The doctor, for example, is quite a preening egotist. The problem, of course, is that who wants to watch a bunch of jerks? Hey, if I wanted flawed people I'd watch reality TV.
You know how they say, "Third Time's a Charm"? Well, it isn't. When Trip Tucker's great-great-great-great-great-grandnephew starts talking to Oh-no about security arrangements for the incoming deuridium shipment, their conversation goes something like this: "hyuk hyuk! Hardy har! How about showin' a-me whatcha got! and we'll see 'f dere's anythan' we kin werk with! yee-hog!" And Mr. Putty replies, "Lieutenant you're welcome to see my plans but I assure you I've taken every precaution regarding the shipment." A few moments later his KUMPIUTAR gets pwned by a guy who is dead. Yep...
Episode 12: The VortexEdit
So Siskasso has Cretin in custody back on his gas station. He goes to visit Cretin's home world for giggles. On arrival, Haggar greets the Siskasso and tells him that Cretin is already in a deep vat of trouble. The Siskasso tries to tell Haggar that Cretin must first be tried back at the pump on the gas station. Then Haggar says: "Tried? Cretin has already been declared guilty in absentia for myriad crimes on this world. That judgment supercedes your charges. Return him, and I can assure you his punishment will be appropriate to your crime as well as ours."
(Just as a side note: who played Haggar? A loaner from a loony bin? Srsly. A muppet would have put in a better performance.)
Episode 19: Duet (working title: Fa La La Liar)Edit
The Shaft is chatting with Duck-Sauce on Skype, trying to get an ID on Marritza. The good Duct-or says, "I assure you, commander, you don't need our assistance [in getting his ID.] Haven't you checked his wallet?"
Then, later, Mr. Putty tries to get info on Gul Door-Heel using cardassia.google.com. Ducatti calls back and says, "I regret that I cannot give you access to any of the files pertaining to Gul Darheel. But I assure you, the files would only tell you what I am telling you: Gul Darheel is dead."
Season 1 SummaryEdit
Number of occurrences of the phrase: 11
Number of times Duck-it said it: 3
Episode 1: The HomecomingEdit
Ms Haircut rescues Lee Norris (Chuck's brother. Worth noting how uncanny that Chuck's reputation eventually grew to match that of his brother.). Upon returning to the gas station, Ms Haircut fully intends to go into conniptions in front of The Sisko about how a bunch of Floormats were held captive on a spoonhead planet. She walks into her boss's office, to find Duck-it chatting over Skype with the Sisko. Duck-it blathers about how he didn't know there were still floormats held prisoner there, saying: "We had no idea that Bajoran prisoners were still being held on Cardassia 4. Such detentions are a direct violation of Supreme Directive 2645. And I assure you the camp prefect will be chastized accordingly - with a slap on the wrist, a "too bad they left" party and a few swigs of kanar."
Also worth noting that "The Homecoming" was the first of a three-part story arch, the first such arch in Deep Thought Whine (although preceded by the "Best of Both Worlds" / "Family" arch in The Vexed Generation) - demonstrating that DTW would not only be teasing its audience with half-completed stories, but also finding ways to weave the "I Assure You"'s together into an annoyingly coherent narrative. This also marks a longer term strategy on the part of The Writers to do what TVG could not do: make long stories. To wit: the SEVEN episode story arch when the Cardies re-took the gas station in season six, and the NINE episode story arch at the end of the series.
Episode 2: The CircleEdit
After Quirky tells Mr. Putty that the Kressari are smuggling guns to the fascist Bajoran sect called "The Circle", the gas station management crew start putting a Kressari vessel through 'inspections' that would make the TSA blush. The Kressari vessel's captain got all agitated, saying: "I can assure you, the Kressari government will lodge a formal protest!" Yes...but lodge it where, dear cap'n? Your ear? *har*
Episode 3: The SiegeEdit
Ms Haircut shows up at the Chamber of Ministers, in disguise as a pizza delivery girl. She says that the Spoonheads are behind the Circle's coup. Whiskey-in-the-Jaro says, "I assure you there's nothing to these accusations." Then Nurse Ratched totally ditches her former bosom-buddy Jaro and says, "oh yeah? Prove it!" She has a talent for getting out of tight spots after stabbing people in the back, by stabbing even more people in the back. Zefram would nevar. Thus the duality in human nature that Trek showed.
Episode 10: SanctuaryEdit
Dr. Basher tries to treat the plasma burn wound of one of the Frosted Flakes. The Flakes resist, preferring Major Kicks to do it. Basher says, "I assure you, I will not hurt him."
Episode 13: Armageddon GameEdit
At the beginning of the episode, Basher and Kilometers disarmed a bio-weapon on some alien planet. The leaders of the planet congratulated the two, and Dr. Glib says, "It was our pleasure, I assure you."
Episode 20: The Maquis (part 1)Edit
The Vulcan Maquis lady shows up at Quirk's bar looking for his help. She asks, "You're Quirk, aren't you?" He replies, "I assure you the warrant is out of date. I cleared that matter up months ago."
Episode 21: The Maquis (part 2)Edit
Admiral Itchypants gets in the Sisko's face, being all, "WTF? How did Ducker get kidnapped? It's Mr. Putty's fault, sisn't it?" The Sizzle says, "No way, Mr. Putty can play. And as for Gul Dukat, I assure you we are taking all possible steps to locate him."
Then Oh-no puts Quirk behind a force field, seeing him as an accomplice to Duck-o's kidnapping. Of course, Quirk denies any involvement: "I assure you, I had no idea Sikona was planning to kidnap Gul Dukat!"
After the Sisko is done with Cork, some spoonhead senator shows up wanting to discuss the issue of the Mockers. He says, "I must assure you, Commander, that what we have to discuss is most crucial indeed."" The FIRST WORDS OUT OF THE SISKO'S MOUTH ARE: "I understand. I assure you we are doing everything we can to find Gul Dukat." So then the legate / senator / representative / big-wig goes on to say that everything is Duk-man's fault, and the spoonheads don't really care about finding him. Ms. Haircut says that the Mockers will kill Douche-cat and then the Cardies will use his death as an excuse to retaliate. The big spoon says: "I can assure you Commander that there shall be no retaliation."
Episode 22: The WireEdit
Dr. Basher asks Garak if anything is bothering him, since he looks sick. Garak replies, "I assure you, I'm in perfect health."
Later, when Dr. Basher talks to Enabran Stain about Garak, Stain explains that Garak deserves to live a long life, even if he is suffering by living on the gas station surrounded by floor mats. Basher replies sarcastically that Stain said a lovely sentiment. Stain replies: "And it's from the heart, I assure you."
Episode 25: TribunalEdit
The Sisko is talking to Davy Crockett about Kilometers. The Sisko thinks that Davy might not want to say anything about Kilometers because he is afraid of the spoonheads, so he says, "If you're worried we'll turn you over to the Cardassians, I can assure you, that we won't."
Season 2 SummaryEdit
Number of occurrences of the phrase: 14
Number of times Duck-it said it: 1
Episode 2: The Search - for Spock! (part II)Edit
When the fake Graham-Cracker is faking out Dr. Basher with his fakedness, he replies to some of the Basher's repartee by saying, "The former, I assure you."
Episode 5: Second SkinEdit
Ninja Nerys is chatting with the spoonhead that is trying to convince her that she isn't herself. The spooner is all like, "You don't believe me? Then check THIS out!" BAM - he beams in an awesome stunt double of herself as a Bajoran, right down to the haircut. He says, "I assure you, when it comes to the Obsidian Order, nothing is impossible."
Episode 7: Civil DefenseEdit
As Kilometers, Jake-o-lantern and the Sis-kabob are escaping the ore processing center, the Max Headroom version of Ducker tries to gas them to DETH, saying: "Rest assured that your deaths shall serve as an example to prevent similar incidents in the future."
As the gas station crew tries to defeat the runaway program by disabling life support, another recording of Max Duck-it says: "But rest assured this station will not be allowed to remain in Bajoran hands.."
After the program flips the bird to Ducker when he tries to beam off the station, he says to Key-ra: "I set up this program and I assure you, Major, I will find a way to defeat it."
Episode 8: MeridianEdit
The horny alien that's got the hots for Haircut is pestering Quirk about his progress in designing the holosweats program. Quirk answers, "You'll have it. And I assure you it'll be well worth the wait."
Episode 11: Past Tense (part 1)Edit
In the prologue of the episode, Quack calls the Siskabob on an emergency channel reminding the Sizzle about the role the Nagus played in finding the Domingian. Siskaller says, "You can assure the Nagus I will mention his assistance prominently in my report to Starfleet."
Episode 14: Heart of StoneEdit
As the female putty reveals her motives to Oh-no, he realizes that she was trying to get him to re-join the Great Oatmeal. He says to her, "I assure you nothing will ever make me do that."
Episode 15: DestinyEdit
The nice lady spoonheads arrive to the gas station and express official gratitude. The Sisker replies, "That is a hope I can assure you we share."
Later, when Kilometers and the hot-to-trot spoongirl are reconfiguring the phasers to wipe out Skywalker Ranch and end the franchise's competition once and for all, the spoongirl makes a pass at Kilometers, saying: "I assure you I'm quite fertile."
Episode 16: Prophet MotiveEdit
Dr. Basher and Dax chat about his nomination for the Starfleet Emmy. He asks her not to get so excited, saying: "...I want to assure you that I'm not going to win."
Episode 19: Through the Looking GlassEdit
When Evil Haircut thinks she's captured the Siskabob, she says to the mirror Jenny, "I can assure you that your husband will never annoy you again."
Episode 21: The Die is CastEdit
When Garak and the Putty-man are playing with their new anti-shape-shifting toy, Garak says: "There is no pleasure in this for me, I assure you."
Later, when the pointed-eared-shifter is asking Garak why he seemed to be protecting Sherlock Odo, pointy says, "I can assure you I am going to be observing you very closely."
Season Three SummaryEdit
Episode 2: The Way of the Warrior (or, how to boost ratings by adding Klingons)Edit
Woof and Chief Pirate Gowron meet for the first time in ages. "You did what you thought was right. And even though you may have made some enemies, I assure you I am not one of them!"
Then, when now-Captain Sizzle rescues the spoonhead governement and Dr. Basher is giving blood screenings to them, Ducker says, "I assure you doctor, I am not a changeling."
Later, when Growl-on is thumping his chest, the Sizzle replies, "I can assure you this old cat may not be as toothless as you think."
Sometimes a line is uttered that is similar in nature to those three little words that mean oh so much. The writers aren't fooling anyone.
- "YOU HAVE MY WORD"
- see TNG: "[[The Warrior}}, this article, section "FOARSHADOWING".
- In 2x21 when the big-wig spoonhead says that the Cardies don't want more war with the Feds.
- In 2x24 when Vedek Winrar says she'll keep Kubis's accusations secret until Haircut investigates the truth about Bareil.
- "I GIVE YOU MY WORD"
- "I PROMISE YOU"
- In 2x20, Ducker complains about not having pilot controls. He says to the Sizzle, "Commander, I'm not going to sit here and steal your little technical secrets, I promise you." Then when the Sisko detects Cardassians attacking a merchant vessel, Ducker says, "I promise you, Commander, we would not violate the treaty." Then, when the Cardies won't stop picking on the merchant vessel, Duck-it threatens them: "...you're going to pay for this, I promise you."
- In 2x25, the Sizzle says to Kinko: "I promise you I'll rescue yer hubby."
- In 3x2 when Oh-no wants to save his gas-station co-workers and ditch the Putties, the chief putty lets them go but says, "The next time, I promise you, we will not be so generous."
- "I SWEAR TO YOU"
- In 2x20 when Ducker tells the Sizzle that the Bok-nor wasn't carrying weapons.
- "BELIEVE ME"
- In 2x26, when the Volvo lies to the Sisko about how the Jem'Hadar overran her "homeworld".
- In 3x2 when the Vor-hole is totally hosing the Sisko down with lies.
- Also in 3x2 when the fake Romulan lady lays down lies to the Basher like a mason puts down bricks.
- A few instances in 3x4 "Equilibrium"
- and a few more in 3x5, "Second Skin"