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Nero logo

Symbol of Nero's mining empire.

Nero is the name of a Romulan, which we knew immediately, since the name was neither clever, or subtle. Nero was a miner, who, after digging through the Planet of Unoriginal Ideas, decided to go back in time and screw with history. He used a black hole to do this because he wanted to "go black and never go back."

Once in the 23rd century, Nero destroyed the USS Celsius and killed James R. Kirk's father in the process. As a result, the younger Kirk grew up to be a whiny little bitch, who drove cars off mountaintops and got into fights in bars. He also constantly nagged his Uncle Owen about going to Tachi Station to pick up some power converters. With history properly fucked-up, Nero went on his merry little way.

Nero attacked both Earth and Vulcan, but because the only thing his ship was equipped with was an over-sized power drill, nobody paid him no mind. Even the Vulcans laughed at him. Through all matter of illogic, however, Nero drilled a hole in Vulcan so big that the planet collapsed in on itself. Believing he, now, had the power to change the laws of physics, Nero became mad and declared himself emperor of everything. (Star Trek: From Zero to Nero)

Unbeknownst to Nero, Kirk met with Christopher Trout (who, for some reason, insisted on being called "Obi-Wan"). Trying to get away from the perverted Trout, Kirk enrolled in Starfleet Academy and went from being a whiny little bitch to just being a bitch. After locking Trout in the bathroom (with his own trout, ironically), Kirk took command of the Enterprise and opened up a can o' whoop ass on Nero. Nero tried everything he could think of to escape, which, mostly, involved shouting and spitting.

Nero, then, told Kirk he was his father. This trick worked, unfortunately for Nero; Kirk hated his father, for being killed by Nero, and since Nero was his real father, that means he hated Nero. Kirk, therefore, killed Nero, for killing himself. It was only after Nero was reduced to a pile of ash, that Spock pointed out Kirk's logic made no sense. At this time, a much older, Bendii Sybndrome-addled Spock beamed in, told his younger self to "piss off", and head-butted him. The bridge crew shared a laugh, and the USS Enterprise, under Kirk's command, embarked on a spontaneous five-year mission of exploration. (Star Trek: What the Hell Just Happened?)

Nero was played by Ryan Seacrest, who, for some reason, looked a lot like a bald Eric Banana-nana-bo-bana.

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