200px You Just Got PWNED!

Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo is extreamly detructive weapon. Six warheads could destroy clss 4 planet.

It all started on August 30th, 2006. An anonymous user stepped into the website known as Memory Alpha and decided to start their own article without linking it to anything else.

At 10:18 AM - Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes was born.

The effects of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo were ignored, despite the presence of a many Starfleet personnel in the area. However, the one officer by

the name of Enzo Aquarius discovered the mystical weapon 31 minutes later, at 10:49 AM. Working under Starfleet's Secure Weaponry Security Establishment,

he engaged in a top-secret conversation with various others in the establishment. This is a full transcript of the conversation released under Starfleet regulation 47-Alpha.

 Simply put, non-canon weapon. - Enzo Aquarius 14:50, 30 August 2006 (UTC)
   * Delete quick, fast and in a hurry. --From Andoria with Love 17:38, 30 August 2006 (UTC)
   * Delete -- Renegade54 17:56, 30 August 2006 (UTC)
   * Delete. - AJ Halliwell 18:03, 30 August 2006 (UTC)
   * Delete, cause, um, yeah, it be bad. --OuroborosCobra talk 19:20, 30 August 2006 (UTC) 

Attempting to understand the weapon, a man by the name of Shran decided to take a number of the torpedoes for a test. Upon detonating 5 weapons, he determined:

File:Kirk yells in anger, The Enemy Within.jpg
 Five warheads can give you very bad gas.

Due to this, Rigel VII was evacuated to Rigel III and several subspace rifts were detected in the area. Clean-up efforts continue as we speak.

These subspace rifts travelled through space like currency. Upon reaching Earth, conflicts in the space-time continuum occured, mainly noted was this speech by Zefram Cochrane:

   Zefram Cochrane: Someone once said, "Someone once said, 
   'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man and let history make its own judgments.'" 
   T'Pol: Rhetorical nonsense. 
   Cochrane: Who said that?!

To this date, this 'T'Pol' is unknown, though it is speculated it's Q in one of his many guises. (TCT: "True Death Hide Tapestry Deja-Encounter-less at the Greypid Who?...2")

Unfortunately, despite Starfleet hiding the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes under Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado, news of the torpedoes was released by a mysterious man named 'Jack O'Neill'. A preservation area for the torpedoes is currently forming at Memory Alpha after Starfleet confirmed news that they would destroy the torpedoes secretly in the second Briar Patch. However, the sheer logic of this was greatly questioned, as some thought Pluto would be a more suitable planet on which to destroy them.

File:Vulcan-Andorian border, display.jpg

Many Vulcans loudly proclaimed "I told you so" when the destruction of the transphasic chroniton torpedoes in Briar Patch #2 resulted in a temporal causality loop, causing everyone within the patch to repeatedly relive the hours leading up to the torpedoes' destruction.

Many Vulcans loudly proclaimed "I told you so" when the destruction of the transphasic chroniton torpedoes in Briar Patch #2 resulted in a temporal causality loop, causing everyone within the patch to repeatedly relive the hours leading up to the torpedoes' destruction.

Many Vulcans loudly proclaimed "I told you so" when the destruction of the transphasic chroniton torpedoes in Briar Patch #2 resulted in a temporal causality... Hey! Wait a minute!!! ((TCT: "Cause and Effect... Cause and Effect... Cause and Ah-f**k!...")

File:Shran Kumari bridge.jpg
File:Fleet Admiral Gardner (Mirror).jpg

When the causality loop was mended, the torpedoes were destroyed by the new CGI USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) under the command of Admiral Sh'ran on 2 September 2006 at 23:26 due to "high levels of bulls--t."

The problems involving the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes created a stir throughout Starfleet, including an increase in vandalism and constant mentions of the phenomenon called 'Wikipedia'. This prompted Admiral Alan del Beccio to state the following to the Federation President, who had fire poor Shran for the initial incorrect disposal of the torpedo:

Shran does what he does because he loves you, just as he loves all of God's children. Yet, like a spoiled child, you lash out at him out of spite because you have been led astray. For that I say: shame on you, dear sir, shame on you!

With that said, Alan left Starfleet in his mad-state onboard the USS 'Insert Name Here' and set a course to Andor (or Andoria if you prefer that) joined the Andorian Imperial Guard, receiving the rank of General.


File:Battle of the Bassen Rift 4.jpg
File:Xindi superweapon destroyed.jpg
File:Xindi superweapon beam.jpg

Some months later, the aspect of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo was brought up in the Federation Council after discussion between Bp and Enzo Aquarius. The conversation was so short and demeaning that Aquarius stated to Bp:

Your cranial capacity is quite far below that of the national average of those in the first grade of schooling!

In which an argument ensued:

Bp: and your mother dresses you funny.
Aquarius: Atleast I have clothes!
Bp: im not sure what you mean
Aquarius: You know, your lack of clothing.
Bp: No
Aquarius: You would look good with a coat of pink paint.
Bp: oh icic
Aquarius: I'm glad you understand.
Bp: come on, dont be so polite!! this is IRC.

He ordered his Kukulkan starship to fire on da m00n yo with a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo and destroyed Aquarius' Trellium-D-filled luxurious mansion. Aquarius' retaliated with his Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo stash, destroying Bp's orbital Pizza Hut. Both gentlemen shook hands, signing a truce and they disposed of their torpedoes by detonating them in Shran's backyard. (TCT: "The Explosions")


In retaliation for this act, Shran utilized something called Transphasic Chroniton Phase Inducing Whatchamacallit to upload an old Earth film called Star Trek: First Contact into bp's brain (or lack thereof), forcing bp to view the entire movie every fourteen hours for the rest of his natural life. Shran then tossed up a Transphasic Chroniton Shield Generation Somethingorother around Enzo and forced him to watch Cobra and himself take turns touching a dead female augment. (TCT: "These Are the Voyeurs")

However, with their destruction in Shran's backyard, the last of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes had finally been destroyed. However, Bp's extensive use of the word however, however created a rip in the however continuum, which, however, created a new batch of Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes. However, the Federation Council decided, however, not to do anything about it, and, however, permitted their use on Shran's ship. However, he didn't want to use it for evil, however, used it for good, donating it to the Bajoran War Orphans Fund. However, they used them to kill off a bunch of Cardassians passing by, however, nobody cared. (TCT: "However Tense")

The following takes place
between 6:00AM and 7:00AM.


File:Klingon cranial ridges dissolve.jpg

A couple of weeks later, Worf, son of Mogh, of the Klingon House of Martok, of the Human family Rozhenko, mate to K'Ehleyr, father to Alexander Rozhenko, and husband to Jadzia Dax, Starfleet officer and soldier of the Empire, bane of the House of Duras and slayer of Gowron decided to take his shot at using Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes. OuroborosCobra supported his actions, but Defiant considered it as a 'joke', thus throwing Worf, son of Mogh, of the Klingon House of Martok, of the Human family Rozhenko, mate to K'Ehleyr, father to Alexander Rozhenko, and husband to Jadzia Dax, Starfleet officer and soldier of the Empire, bane of the House of Duras and slayer of Gowron into the Brig for 47 days and 47 nights.

Shortly thereafter, Shran hired a man by the name of Siddig El Tahir El Fadil El Siddig Abderahman Mohammed Ahmed Abdel Karim El Mahdi (a suspected code name) to break Worf, son of Mogh, of the Klingon House of Martok, of the Human family Rozhenko, mate to K'Ehleyr, father to Alexander Rozhenko, and husband to Jadzia Dax, Starfleet officer and soldier of the Empire, bane of the House of Duras and slayer of Gowron out of the brig. Using the alias Alexander Siddig, Siddig El Tahir El Fadil El Siddig Abderahman Mohammed Ahmed Abdel Karim El Mahdi was able to infiltrate the station in which Worf, son of Mogh, of the Klingon House of Martok, of the Human family Rozhenko, mate to K'Ehleyr, father to Alexander Rozhenko, and husband to Jadzia Dax, Starfleet officer and soldier of the Empire, bane of the House of Duras and slayer of Gowron was being held. Although he was successful in helping Worf, son of Mogh, of the Klingon House of Martok, of the Human family Rozhenko, mate to K'Ehleyr, father to Alexander Rozhenko, and husband to Jadzia Dax, Starfleet officer and soldier of the Empire, bane of the House of Duras and slayer of Gowron escape from the brig, Siddig El Tahir El Fadil El Siddig Abderahman Mohammed Ahmed Abdel Karim El Mahdi betrayed both Shran and Worf, son of Mogh, of the Klingon House of Martok, of the Human family Rozhenko, mate to K'Ehleyr, father to Alexander Rozhenko, and husband to Jadzia Dax, Starfleet officer and soldier of the Empire, bane of the House of Duras and slayer of Gowron by stealing the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes and using them to give himself a larger role on 24. In the process, he transformed Worf, son of Mogh, of the Klingon House of Martok, of the Human family Rozhenko, mate to K'Ehleyr, father to Alexander Rozhenko, and husband to Jadzia Dax, Starfleet officer and soldier of the Empire, bane of the House of Duras and slayer of Gowron into a merry man by shortening his name to Worf, son of Mogh, although Worf, himself, continues to protest being a merry man, although it's obvious that he's the gayest Klingon in the Milky Way Galaxy.

Worf: "If you were any other man, I would kill you where you... you know what, screw it."

Worf, son of Mogh, subsequently broke Shran's neck (making Worf an even merrier man -- shhh!). Fortunately for Shran, there were many clones in waiting and Shran 2 was activated soon after. (TCT: "Strange Badfellows")

Sometime later, WTRiker discovered what he believed to be a manual on how to manually construct a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo warhead. He then attempted to post information from this manual's book jacket on subspace. The message was as fallows:

File:Trip eats with Captain Hernandez.jpg
From the book jacket
It blows you up... and it gives you gas!!! Now, for the first time, you can learn how to make the most deadly, the most fowl, the most sickening weapon of all time! From the most basic to the most secret ingredient, it's all here, in the palm of your hands or any other appendage that may apply!

Upon reading such a summary as was described above, the Sick Lord Enzo Aquarius informed his young Padawank Ouroboros Cobra of the imminent destruction that would result from such information and Cobra subsequently used the dreaded Annoyingly Hypersensitive Copyright Replacement and Amplification Program (AHCRAP) to remove the summary from existence. The Jedeye K-nig-ht Shran, however, saw the error of the Sick Lord's ways and used his IDFTS ("I Don't F***ing Think So") Program to restore the summary. Both Enzo and Cobra yielded after learning from Shran that the summary was not from a book on creating Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo warheads, but was rather a recipe for schplict. (TCT: "Leaning on the Edge")

Tim, obsessed over his admiralitive capabilities, decided to unleash a huge load of Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes on the lowly inhabitants of Memory Alpha, on behalf of Bp. Alan, catching him in the act fined him 20 IRC points and wrote the following in his log:

  • (Block log); 23:18 . . Gvsualan (Talk | contribs) (blocked "User:Tim Thomason" with an expiry time of 30 seconds: being annoying)

Upon his 30 second ban and his fine, Tim launched a torpedo at Alan, which missed and hit Shran's Ferrari. (TCT: "S**t Happens")

After some time, the amount of reports of Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes around Earth became monsterous, prompting a state of emergency by Starfleet Security. According to reports from their spokesman, Admiral Ouroboros Cobra, the torpedoes were "EVERYWHERE!!!!!!", followed by "First I knew about was looking in RC [Recent Changes], I had no part in the conspiracy, [I] shall rule the world with a magnetic fist, that is all." Many were dumbfounded by these comments, even the Admiral himself, but nonetheless, Starfleet Security began collecting all the torpedoes by order of Fleet Admiral Thy'lek Shran, with Cobra being forced to clean the plasma lines of Starfleet Sewage, which allowed him to perform: "Cobra|AFK poos".(TCT: "Recopregenitorizationingor")

Thus, the journey began to rid of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes on Earth...

Shran: ...Oh screw this, I just wanted to find a McDonalds, let's just let the people bomb themselves.
Cobra: Whatever, I'm so drunk right now I could care less, now let me drive.
Shran: For the last time, no, now find me the map.
Shran: ...

And thus started Shran and Cobra: The Voyage Home.

File:Obrien defends with phaser.jpg

Having made 5 wrong turns, tensions rose and the 'Voyage' turned into a brawl. Shran turned onto the side of the road, leaving his car and tried to pull Cobra out of his seat. Cobra, 'flipping the bird', remained still as Shran continuously threw his golf bag at the door (he lost his golf clubs in a golf course pond), then many balls of snow, with no luck of penetrating the door. A cop, noticing the actions, stopped Shran and made him continue to drive home, in which he noticed that the Cobra's door was open the whole time. He pulled over again, exited the car and proceeded to beat him up again. During that time, Cobra locked the doors and took 'the helm', leaving Shran in the cold Rocky Mountains, with only his golf bag, 2 matches and a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo. Revenge is, indeed, a dish best served cold. (TCT: "The Hidden and Illegal Rules of Engagement")

While in the cold, Shran was able to use the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo as a calculator (No, it is not running on Windows, thank goodness). During this time, Shran was able to calculate a means of returning to Starfleet HQ via a mathematical equation.

\sqrt{the+lack-of+adequete+funding+for-Administrators-2*vandalisticspam}=\frac{1+\sqrt{\sqrt{numberofGolfclubs}-the*massoftorpedo}}{\tan{Sulfur's IQ}}

Shran couldn't think of the funding statistics for the administrators off the top of his head (though he knew it was in the low hundreds, if not tens, of dollars), plus, with his inability to access the Recent Changes, he needed to reformulate his plan, that, and the fact he absolutely sucks at math...

Walk+Home-And+Beat-Cobra*\sqrt{toapulp} = \theta \alpha \beta \gamma \delta \epsilon \phi \pi Loadsoffun


Thus, Shran hitchhiked for a US Air Force aircraft, hitched his Transphasic Chroniton torpedo in the craft (along with his precious golf club bag) and set a course for Cobra's house. Upon arrival, he attempted to launch the torpedo, finding that it would only launch if he pushed which he launched with it, destroying both himself, Cobra, his precious golf club bag, and his stolen Ferrari. Crime scene investigators only found an strange blue middle finger, a quarter and a piece of leather from a '1965 Nike Golf Bag', with a signature by Tiger Woods. When Shran the Third awoke, it was his new quest to get back that piece of leather, but first he needed yet ANOTHER Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo, but with all of them being removed from Earth, where would he go? (TCT: "The Ever-Eternal Wrath of Shran")

Attempting to get back his golf bag, Shran noticed Cobra 2 being prepared for The Awakening. He also noticed a note by Cobra the First that stated.

This History Of OuroborosCobra by OuroborosCobra
The history of OuroborosCobra by OurosboroCobra is a very intriguing history indeed, as I, OuroborosCobra the First have made many different contributions in my past. OuroborosCobra could best be summed up as the man who whooped a** in the War of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes III.V, in which OuroborosCobra absolutely destroyed the local Pizza Hut joint with OuroborosCobra's own Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo. Shran complained, but OuroborosCobra, that's right, OuroborosCobra, that's me, the man who wrote this on February 11, 2007, just e-mail me at, I look at it every 5 minutes so I, OuroborosCobra, can prove this is my own written work. Nonetheless, I, OuroborosCobra, talked to Enzo Aquarius the other day in regards to owning my own Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo company went quite well. That's right Shran, EAT THAT! Anyways, what was I saying...

Shran, after reading that, realised that he saw it on the local Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo forums by an anonymous user. He thus, charged Cobra the 2nd a fine for copyright infringement. Cobra shrugged and threw away the ticket. (TCT: "Copyright Infringement - The Sequel")

Shran decided he wanted to start a new journey, this time to determine the secret ingredient in the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo's warhead. While walking along some backroad, he came upon a man named Lannik Racto. Despite asking Racto for help, all the man (wearing a weird robe with a lighty stick) said was 'hey'. Shran got peeved off and shoved a transphasic chroniton torpedo down the Jedi's throat. (TCT: "The Jedi Order")

Continuing down the road, Shran came upon Alan again. Both of which found a man putting graffiti on a Reman statue. At the same time, they both fired Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes. Unknowing to them, Cobra also fired a torpedo.

  1. (Deletion log); 15:25 . . Gvsualan (Talk | contribs) (deleted "Talk:Unnamed Remans": content was: '{{delete}}==Reman Viceroy==It's interesting to note that, as with his role in "Beauty and the Beast", Ron Perlman actually needed no prosthetic ma...')
  2. (Deletion log); 15:25 . . Shran (Talk | contribs) (deleted "Talk:Unnamed Remans": Talk pages are for discussing the content of the article only, not for commenting on peoples' looks)
  3. (diff) (hist) . . Memory Alpha:Pages for immediate deletion‎; 15:24 . . OuroborosCobra (Talk | contribs) (Talk:Unnamed Remans)

Such an action created a rip in the space-time continuum, and caused a great amount of gas that smelled even worse than Sulfur. (TCT: "Unending Image Upload Sequence 74-Alpha")


Of course, the rip from the transphasic chroniton torpedoes revealed something of Bp and Cid.

  • <sulphur> he [Cid] has a highligher on 'gay pr0n' when i say it apparently.
  • <sulphur> :)
  • <EnzoAquarius> Hot Sweaty Sex
  • bp0 [] has joined #memory-alpha

The thing is, Bp will never know, and he'll probably fire a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo everytime he sees Enzo Aquarius. Upon reading this, Shran shrugged and continued to read the latest issue of Playboy that he had (circa 1977). (TCT: "Bp's Skin Fetish")

One day, on his journey, Shran discovered a spacestation that held transphasic chroniton torpedoes. According to information he acquired, the station had "5,469 Phaser Arrays and 5,467 Photon Torpedoes. [and] It is a Federation Spacestation that is capable of holding off over 56,000 Thoilian Cruisers." Shran continued to walk on, laughing at the fact that Federation linguists would spell Tholian wrong.

File:Wheres my money.jpg
File:Picard and Shinzon.jpg

Unfortunately, the effects of the TCT had some negative effects on Memory Alpha, causing various paradoxes and time distortions. Such an example includes:

  • (diff) (hist) . . N Klaus Janson‎; 10:28 . . (+444) . . Enzo Aquarius (Talk | contribs) (Article creation)
  • (diff) (hist) . . m Klaus Janson‎; 10:28 . . (0) . . Enzo Aquarius (Talk | contribs) (Whoops)

Continuing with his walk, Shran started to contemplate his 'manliness'. In doing so, he put together a list of things he had done to prove that he was truely 'man' to the TCT.

  • Shran has eats that burger that the guys sing about in those [Burger King] commercials.
  • Shran has messes with Sasquatch.
  • Shran has watched Template:E five times in a row, followed by Template:E (The VOY episode and the series), then had two large pizzas and watched a football game, drank beer, and got laid, then got a tattoo saying "MAN" on his forehead.

What would you do if you had a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo?

The poll was created at 05:07 on February 28, 2008, and so far 9 people voted.

The Secret Logs of Mistress Janeway and Nechayev's SearchEdit

AKA - Torpedo Threat Level: Foxtrot Alpha 6Edit

File:Karen Farris.JPG
File:Tim Watters.jpg
  • Mistress' log, stardate 47699.6. I continue my search for the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo, but have yet to find them. If you will excuse me, I need to attend to Chakotay down in the dungeon...

...before I go, I have one old am I?! PS - Picard looks great in drag.

File:The price of peace.jpg
  • Mistress' log, supplementary log entry, I have recently hired a new yeoman named 'Orion Slaver #2', or so the script calls her. So far the crew morale has been up and my security detail has had to deal with fewer cases of breaking the 'optional clothes' rule. Everything is going according to plan. Nonetheless, I still have not finished my search for the Transphasic Chroniton torpedo. I checked the leather store, my belt closet and that sketchy shack in the shuttlebay. We have set a course for Uranus, hoping to find any clues to my journey.

  • Mistress' log, stardate unknown, my adventure to Uranus has turned up no results. I have, therefore, punished Tom Paris for his misdeeds and for misplacing his combadge on his underwear. He has been thrown into the torture chamber where he is being attended by some random xenophobic crewman down in deck 15...or was it 16...17? Unsure, haven't sent the dusting crew down there yet. Ugh, maybe I should bring Paris back up, I hate it when my slaves are dusty.

Nechayev, intent on finding the origin of the Transphasic torpedoes, hired Lutudent Junor Grade Sulfur to begin an investigation. In return, he would receive administratorship, despite evidence of him performing 'illegal abortions'. His search took him 47 days and 47 nights, the exact same time Worf, son of Mogh, spent in the Brig (coincidence........nah). (TCT: "Chutes, Sticks and Posterior Ends")

File:Jean-Luc Picard stabbed.jpg

Regarding the recent return of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes and their subsequent capture by Romulan spy Kathryn Janeway (real name: Commander Bunatra), Captain Jean-Luc Xavier has this to say:

Since the dawn of existence, there have always been moments when the coarse of history shifted. Such a turning point is upon us now. A conflict between the better and worse angels of our very nature whose outcome will change our world so greatly, there will be no going back. I do not know if victory is possible. I only know that great sacrifice will be required. And because the fate of many will depend on a few, we must make the last stand.

Nobody knew exactly what the old fart meant by this, so to prevent him from uttering any more nonsense, Starfleet hired a few gnarly Nausicaans to have a friendly heart-to-heart talk with the captain. (TCT: "Crapestry")

File:Molly O'Brien.jpg
File:Nog angry with jake heart of stone.jpg

Working long into the night, at 3:00 AM in the middle of a drunken state, Nechayev and Picard, after a shot competition, were able to discover the historical data of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo. (TCT: "But Through the Looking Glass, Darkly, Part II.V")

Thanks Tim! This list wouldn't exist if it wasn't for you! Have this Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice, hot and a gift certificate to Blockbuster Video. Now go off and play in the streets with all of those transport trucks and heavy-loaders.
The gift certificate can not be used on new releases, movies older than 50 years old, food, PS3/Wii/XBox 360 games, prostitutes, Memory Alpha Bucks, the episode "Threshold", or bribing your way out of a police strip search. Bp highly recommends you use this to rent Star Trek: First Contact, but you didn't hear this from us. Enjoy!

Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo (TCT-470-74A-1A2B3C)
Dates Rank Post Position Commanding Officer
2249-2250 Cadet Fourth Class Corps of Torpedo Classics, Temporal Academy, Earth Student, Tree Branch Photon Torpedo, Temporal Academy
2250-2251 Cadet Third Class Corps of Torpedo Basic, Temporal Academy, Earth Student, Torpedo Branch Quantum Torpedo, Temporal Academy
2251-2252 Cadet Second Class Corps of Torpedo Novice, Temporal Academy, Earth Student, Torpedo Branch Chroniton Torpedo, Temporal Academy
2252-2253 A Sign Weapons Division, USS Thy'lek Shran (NCC-4700) (Temporal Academy field study) Junior Weapons Officer Weapons Officer, USS Thy'lek Shran (NCC-4700)
2253-2254 Lidtundent Junor Grid Weapons division, USS Thy'lek Shran (NCC-4700-ABCJ(alpha, beta, gamma, delta)) Weapons Officer Captain Shran The Man, Commanding Officer, USS Thy'lek Shran (NCC-4700)
2254-2265 Commander Lieutenant-Commander Ensign Junior Grade First Class Weapons division, USS Sulfur (NCC-4701) Superior Weapons Officer Captain Sulfur, Commanding Officer, USS Sulfur (NCC-4701)
2265-2267 Commander of the Lieutenants Hyper-Weapons division, USS Aquarius (NCC-4702) Super Fun Happy-Time Officer (First Officer) Captain Enzo Aquarius, Commanding Officer, USS Aquarius (NCC-4702)
2267-2270 Colonel Temporal division, USS Jonathan Archer (NCC-HoJu) Weapons Officer (First Officer) Captain Homer Simpson, Commanding Officer, USS Jonathan Archer (NCC-HoJu)
2273 Colonel Transphasic division, USS Super Bowl XXL, brought to you by Pepsi Cola. Try out new Pepsi Jazz! (NCC-5299) That Guy Rear Admiral Charles Tucker IV, Commanding Officer, USS Super Bowl XXL, brought to you by Pepsi Cola. Try out new Pepsi Jazz! (NCC-5299)
2273-2278 Super Major Colonel Captain Temporal Transphasic Division, USS I've Run Out of Ideas (NCC-11111) Captain Dude Rear Admiral James Tiberius Kirk, Commanding Officer, USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-AK-47)
2278-2285 Captain Command division, USS Babysitter (NCC-11112) (Temporal Academy Training Duty) Commanding Officer Fleet Admiral Morerow, Commander, Starfleet
2286-2293 Admiral Command division, Weapons Emplacement 47-Beta Main Armament 'Fire Weapons' Button
2293-Present Fleet Admiral Various Divisions Main Armament Usually Shran, sometimes Bp, sometimes Aquarius. Cobra commanded him too.
Xavier (upon viewing the above table): What the hell is this?
Dyker: Sir, I suggest you take this up with Admiral Pissman...
Xavier: I'm taking it up with you, Will!
Dyker: Sir, I don't have any answers for you.
Xavier: Very well. You're an imbecile and I will have to accept that. Therefore, we will both have to remain in the dark on this mission; and I will just have to trust that you will not let Pissman put this ship at unnecessary risk. And if I find that that trust has been misplaced, then I will have to re-evaluate the command structure of this ship. Dismissed.
(after a brief, tense pause)
Dyker: I am so attracted to you right now.
Xavier: What?
Dyker: What?

Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo's List of People Who Have Been BadEdit

File:Cardassian Union logo.png
Amendment: Cid Highwind (Heh, high wind) refuses to stop mailing me pr0n. Engage in countermeasures.

Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo (32 Smarch 2371)Edit

Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo has been an active member of this community since the day Cobra first used the toilet and has over 75,000 edits (Beat THAT Alan!). He has written and/or contributed to some of our best articles here, ranging from episode summaries ("Threshold", for example), general articles that he has fleshed out (such as Skin), and has done work towards articles that have been featured (such as Main Page). He has also been one of the drivers behind the "It's a New Car!" stuff. More of his contributions are listed on his arch-nemesis' page.

TCT has demonstrated an understanding of our policies and practices here as well. He is often involved in talk page discussions to help decide what to bomb first, or how it something should be destroyed. He often helps in properly formatting new additions, and tries to help newer members "learn the ropes" by eliminating them.

He has a generally feisty attitude here, better than some of our currently active administrators. For these, and more, I feel he would be a good addition to our administrator team. --OuroborosCobra talk 23:13, 13 April 2007 (UTC)


  1. OuroborosCobra talk 23:13, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
  2. Alan del Beccio 23:21, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
  3. Shran 23:22, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
Oh come on! - TCT 23:38, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
Deal with it. --From Andoria with Love 23:40, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
  1. Renegade54 23:34, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
  2. Obviously not a sockpuppet. --Captain MKB Timm Thomason 23:48, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
  3. Captain MKB 00:12, 14 April 2007 (UTC), maybe also an article for the Aquarius constellation...



  • It's a Fayk I tell yous, a fayk! That isn't the real Cobra making the nomination, it's KHAAAAAAN in a mask...
heh, I accept, and thank you for the nomination ;) - TCT 23:21, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
Well, Alan thinks I'm a sockpuppet so... - TCT 23:28, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
  • Alan thinks everyone is a sockpuppet... even himself. :P --From Andoria with Love 23:36, 13 April 2007 (UTC)
  • I like to think of myself as a sex doll, thank you. --Alan del Beccio 23:59, 13 April 2007 (UTC)

TCT's list of Forbidden SymbolsEdit

  • § - Mmm, Sim Dollars. Unfortunately, the Bank of Bp doesn't accept them, cheap b4stard.
  • ⁂ - Three points in one sentence?! TCT COMPUTER OVERLOOAAAAD!?؟؟؟؟؟؟
  • ◊ - Screw the honor system, TCT uses the HOV lane with only a driver and no occupants!
  • ‽ - OMGWTFTCTBBQ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽
  • ‱ - Cobra, stop sniffing that salt, I put that stuff on my fries.
  • ↯ - ...OW!
  • ∀ - ⋂d5Ip3 powu?
  • ⅟ - *Brain explodes*
  • ⊍⊍ - Shran, you know you like this one.

TCT's log of the 25,000 article, IRC ChatroomEdit

This is a log recorded by the TCT of Memory Alpha's IRC chatroom during the creation of the 25,000th article: Robert Iscove.

Narrator: In A.D. 2007, 25,000 edits was beginning.

  • Shran: What happen ?
  • Sulfur: Somebody set up us the Hot Flabby Vulcan Sex.
  • Tim Thomason: We get signal.
  • Shran: What !
  • Tim Thomason: Recent Changes turn on.
  • Shran: It's you !!
  • ENZO: How are you gentlemen !!
  • ENZO: All your 25,000 articles are belong to us.
  • ENZO: You are on the way to failure.
  • Shran: What you say !!
  • ENZO: You have no chance to make 25,000 article, make your time.
  • ENZO: Ha Ha Ha Ha ....
  • Sulfur: Shran !!
  • Shran: Take off every 'Robert Iscove' !!
  • Shran: You know what you doing.
  • Shran: Move 'Robert Iscove'.
  • Shran: For great Memory Alpha.

The Foxtrot-Alpha-6 ChroniclesEdit


By the order of the sacred ring of the holders of the TCT, they were able to access the library of the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo which outlines various procedures underwhich the Foxtrot-Alpha-6 follows.

Foxtrot-Alpha-6 (AKA - FAS/FA6)
The following are guidelines underwhich the Foxtrot-Alpha-6 protocol can be enacted or referred to.

25px FAS Section 1 - Vandalism 25px

Subsection 1 - All acts of vandalism fall under the FAS code.
Line 1 - Vandalism jokes do not fall under the FAS code.
Subsection 2 - If vandalism is found, said vandalism must be instantly reverted as per FAS code.
Subsection 3 - Under the FAS, said vandaliser should be warned about his actions
Line 1 - If vandalism continues, administrators enact a strict FAS code, possibly leading to ban.
Subsection 4 - Shran is exempt from being affected by FAS code if he vandalises.
Subsection 5 - Pornographic images are not acceptable under FAS Code and must be thrown into the admin's stash.
Subsection 6 - Stupidity is not acceptable under the FAS code.
Line 1 - The TCT is exempted from FAS.
Line 2 - SPARTA! related jokes are getting old and only acceptable for use by User:Shran via FAS protocol.

25px FAS Section 2 - Administrative Actions 25px

Subsection 1 - The Administrators know all.
Line 1 - If said Administrator does not know, follow Subsection 1.
Subsection 2 - Do not annoy the Administrators or they will enact FAS.
Subsection 3 - Administrators have FULL right to the FAS code.
Line 1 - Said 'full rights' also include Enzo Aquarius and OuroborosCobra.
Subsection 4 - Under FAS Code, administrators have 3 chances to explain their actions if they do wrong.
Line 1 - If said chances are wasted, a meeting under the FAS council shall convene.
Line 2 - If the administrator is found guilty under FAS Code, they will be fined 50 MA points.

Subsection 5 - Images from other Memory Alpha versions shall be deleted under FAS code, whether Alan wants a vote or not.

25px FAS Section 3 - Spelling and Grammar Under FAS 25px

Subsection 1 - Grey mode, not Gray mode
Subsection 2 - Per se, not Per ses, Per Sey, Per Say or other variants
Subsection 3 - Sun, not son
Subsection 4 - Thy'lek, not Thighlick
Subsection 5 - Canon, not cannon
Line 1 - FAS Code's dictionary refers to canon as the thing that does NOT shoot projectiles. Learn to type lazy bum.
Subsection 6 - F**king, not f***king, unless you're referring to flicking, in which case it should still be f**king because, well, it just avoids a mess.
Subsection 7 - La Forge, not LaForge! FAS demands you use your space bar!

25px FAS Section 4 - Various Amendments (Miscellaneous) 25px

Subsection 1 - Under FAS code, one shall not refer to Sulfur in regards to his smell.
Subsection 2 - FAS code states that Trip is, indeed, dead, as is Dumbledore.
Line 1 - We don't care what novels or fanon say, so follow the FAS code you nuts.
Subsection 3 - The FAS may be initiated if a user enters the IRC chat and floods the chat, instantly !asks the DYKBot for trivia in the middle of a conversation or enters countless amounts of chat to find the secret word.
Line 1 - Under administrative supervision, one may undergo countless amounts of chat to find the secret word.
Subsection 4 - Fanon articles automatically apply for FAS procedures.
Line 1 - If the FAS procedure occurs for fanon articles, fire a Cobalt missels, which were made by the Hirogen in 2586, then later assimalated by the Borg. Nonetheless, we're cool enough to have our own supply.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. Use FAS at your own risk. Have a nice day!

The Adventures of the Transphasic Chroniton TorpedoEdit


File:Q 21st Soldier.jpg
  • "Encounter at the Point of Farness" - Captain Jean-Luc Picard, in command of a brand new starship, meets the Bandi, a group of pre-warp individuals who have been in contact with the Federation for 100 years. They like apples and bananas. Solving the 'mystery of Farpoint Station', Data discovers that the civilization is harboring Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes. Picard and the crew of the Enterprise grab saddles and sack the civilization of their torpedoes, then bombing the planet. A jellyfish walks by and says 'wtf did you do to my cottage?!'.
File:SS Tsiolkovsky-core fragment.jpg
  • "Everybody Get Naked!" - The Enterprise comes upon the SS Tziolkisziksoveloski, a weapons carrier vessel. Out of nowhere, they decided to stop beside a star about to collapse, golly-gee what fun! Prior to beginning their analysis of the star, the Tziolkiszikoveloski crew decide to have a drunken orgy and launch a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo at the star. The result gives the sun gas, which causes it to expel 'matter' (Fine, stellar core fragment, geez, ruin the joke Bp). Wesley, under control of engineering, despite there being atleast 100+ more qualified engineers, fires a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo at the fragment, which subsequently destroys the Tziolkisziksoveloski. Whoops!

File:Lutans centerplace.jpg
  • "The DaVinci Code" - The Enterprise comes upon a civilization that idolizes the Tranphasic Chroniton Torpedo. When Tasha Yar urinates on their 'precious idol', she is thrown into a Triskelion-esque arena to do battle against their supreme warrior The Rock. Although battling a rock would seem easy, the rock utilized a tranphasic chroniton field due to exposure to the Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo. Picard, peeved off with the civilization's satelite service, beamed Tasha Yar from the planet and left, stealing the torpedo idol.

File:Portal 63.jpg
  • "The First Outpost" - Arriving at an unknown planet in a previous unknown section of the galaxy (Insert Your Mom Joke), the Enterprise is caught in orbit with a new alien vessel whom the computer calls the Ferengi. All attempts at firing Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes at the unknown vessel fails, however, communication shows that Ferengi heads are 30x larger than Humans (and have bad breath). Beaming down to the surface, a Tkon representative offers advice to make Humans the most powerful aliens in the galaxy. Riker shrugs and shoves a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo down the representative's throat. The Enterprise moves on giving the Ferengi free editions of "Etiquette...for dumba**es".


File:Beverly Crusher (2364).jpg
  • "IT IS Too Crowded in Here" - Yet again, the Enterprise is taken over by some conscious cloud being of extraordinary power. In an attempt to destroy the Selay and Anticans, he takes control of Jean-Luc Picard, but before he fires a pair of Transphasic Chrontion Torpedoes that could destroy their homeworlds, the being discovers the wonder of Tea, Earl Grey, Hot. The being, in the guise of Picard, has a wonderful conversation with Beverly Crusher about the tea and biscuits. After 2 hours of senseless conversations, he attempts to fire again, only to realise that the tea was filled with an anti-cloud creature poison. With the being out of him, Picard orders it destroyed with a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo. With that destroyed, Worf accidently fires on the Selay and Antican homeworlds as well. Worf is fined 1000 bars of gold-pressed latinum and sentenced to 2 days in the Brig.

File:Rivan, Edo.jpg
  • "Menagerie a Troi" - Busy from their adventures, the crew of the Enterprise decide to have a shore leave that is perfect for the full family, shore leave on a planet completely open to sexuality. Wesley is the last one to beam down, in which he is greeted by a female who wishes to play a 'game'. Wesley recommends a game of 'ball', in which the female proceeds to grab his ba...yea...that's just wrong. Wesley cries and runs into a field of grass, which is punishable by death. Picard, upon hearing of the sentencing, transmits Wesley a will and bombards the planet with Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes, only to find out that they created a rip in space-time, returning Wesley to the Enterprise and making everything normal again. Many fans throw their TVs out of their parents' basements.

File:USS Stargazer, viewscreen.jpg
  • "The Dumba**es Return" - Guess who's back?! The Ferengi! Out for revenge, Daimon Bok gives Picard his previous command, the Stargazer, the once proud carrier of 1 Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo. Little do they know, the ship no longer has the torpedo, and, not only that, but due to the ship being full of Ferengi condom wrappers, there's no room to transplant a torpedo from the Enterprise on the Stargazer. Picard slowly goes crazy until he determines that he can trade the condoms for 'gold' from the Ferengi. In doing so, he transplants a torpedo into the Stargazer. He fires on the Ferengi with the torpedo, and transplants another torpedo onto the ship. The next day, Picard sadly finds out that the price of gold on the Ferengi stock exchange plummeted to 1 cent a brick, and that the condoms were defective.
According to the Federation News Service, the United Piss-ant Network (UPN) cancelled the series at this point. They cited low ratings as the cause, but we believe it had more to do with the teenage ball-grabbing and the condom wrappers. Someone in the production apparently did not get the memo, however, since episodes are still being produced, with an additional 168 episodes still being planned. Because of this, UPN may have to resort to combining forces with the Warner brothers to activate their own Chroniton Warhead (the CW, as they call it) to get rid of the show. Despite this, the remaining episodes were released on Enhanced Versatile HD-Blu-DVHSD.

File:Globe Illustrated Shakespeare.jpg
  • "Q, His Body Hides" - In an attempt to prove a point, Q sends the senior staff of the Enterprise to a Stanley Cup match, pitting them against the Toronto Maple Leafs. When Tasha launches a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo at the goalie, putting her in the penalty box, sobbing and throwing water at the crowd behind her. Having enough of this, Riker accidently whacks Wesley in the head with the puck, killing him, and becomes a Q. Unfortunately, to finish his transformation into a Q, he must revive Wesley. He declines the offer quickly and returns to the Enterprise, firing a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo at Toronto.


File:Cyrus Redblock.jpg
  • "The Small Hello" - Picard, while looking for a holoprogram to end his sexual desires, accidently comes upon a detective program. Unfortunately, Marla Aster had placed parental blocks on the holodeck, so Picard had to use the detective program. In it, he discovered that Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes were not required to solve all problems. When the senior staff heard of this, they quickly threw Picard back in the holodeck and placed him in a dire situation: a detective's world without tea, earl grey, hot. After 2 days, Picard went crazy, bombed the holodeck with a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo, and eventually, went on a mad streak, bombing the Jarada homeworld for some unknown reason. (Something about "a" pronounced as "e"?)

File:Data double.jpg
  • "Datalore - An Indepth look into Android Sexology" - The Enterprise discovers Data's brother, Lore, a successful pornographic actor from Omicron Theta. Upon arriving, and finding out that Data was, indeed, fully functional, they decided to go ahead and work on a porno. Unfortunately, Data was upset that portions of his 'intimacy with Tasha Yar' were included in the video and he sued Lore. When the court proceedings didn't go his way, Data cut off Lore's...ugh...and replaced it with a Transphasic Chroniton Torpedo...oh geez, that's worse than the end of Template:E...

File:Quark's infested with tribbles.jpg
  • "Curse the Effect" - The Enterprise goes to Fraggle Rock which is a Demon class planet where you could dance your cares away, worries for another day. Unfortunately, the planet's inhabitants got a bit too careless and danced right into a group of Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes. The resulting explosion created an alternate timeline where "Threshold" was the most well-received episode of any television series in Earth history. Realizing their error, the Human race destroyed themselves, thus preventing the Federation from being created.
Fortunately, Romulan commander Kathryn Janeway realized that this timeline was non-canon and used her hairdo and her erratic behavior to restore things back to normal. As a result, the Fraggles were not destroyed but were simply transformed from multi-colored creatures with big eyes, frizzled hair, arms and legs to purring Chia Pets.
  • "The Carbonite Evasion, Pt. I" - The Forty-Seven and eighteen-two hundred seventieths Federation vessel Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd approached the planet Altair 8800, a world of living machines, previously visited by the Earth space probe Vader, which was powered by a bacon grease drive system. An away team was deployed and discovered that the machines communicated via lights and were very archaic and thusly they could only talk, not hear. The away team then perused the capital city, Blink-Blink-BlinkBlink-BlinkBlink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink... BlinkBlinkBlinkBlink-Blink-BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink... Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink-Blink... Blink-Blink-Blink-BlinkBlink-Blink, and discovered an item thought lost to the previous timeline (the one destroyed by then-Commander, now President of the Galaxy Kathryn Beeblebrox-Janeway), Transphasic Chroniton Torpedoes. They then went up to them, pushed a few random buttons and got the following message projected from nowhere: You have activated these forty two torpedoes that lay before you. You have seven trillion, four billion, three hundred six million eight hundred two thousand years, three months, four days, one hour, three minutes and forty seven seconds before these torpedoes detonate." When they reported back to their ship the Captain decided to send the torpedoes to a time no one would care about: eight and a half minutes after the torpedoes blew up. As they convienently, and breaking all rules of space and thyme, cannon and a number of strictly-followed international laws (including, but not limited to, copulating during time travel, eating a sandwich while on the toilet and singing the "Happy Days" theme while depressed) of a species from somewhere in the vicinity of Beetlejuice called "Vegans" (not Vegans from Vega but Vegans from Vega). The Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd launched the TCTs into the time vortex, causing them to arrive not eight and a half minutes but eight minutes and twenty-nine seconds after the torpedoes originally were supposed to detonate because the computer had yet to finish calculating the three hundred quintillionth digit of pie throwing off the calculations, but it didn't matter because throwing the torpedoes into the future caused a temperal perversion that caused the transphasic chroniton torpedoes to become transphasic garlic crouton torpedoes that caused all lettuce in the new universe to become black and wilted and thusly creating masses of constipation from lack of fiber and causing many deaths and created a separate time stream that convienently only the crew of the Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd knows of... {TO BE CONTINUED...AT SOME POINT IN TIME...OR THYME...OR MAYBE BASIL...}
  • "The Carbonite Evasion, Pt. II" - Continuing from The Carbonite Evasion, Pt. I- With the detonation of the transphasic chroniton torpedoes in the previous timeline, the lettuce in the new universe became wilted and caused the deaths of several important people in history: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Joseph Stalin, one not-quite human resident of Carbon Creek, Pennsylvania, a guy that created a ground-breaking science-fiction television series in Earth's 1960s, and one Zephram Cochrane, thus preventing Earth from breaking the warp barrier until 2166 when Roger P. Bernheim of Detroit, Michigan built a warp reactor out of his old 2090s shuttle and a gross of self-sealing stem bolts with hydrogen as fuel. However, when it broke warp 3.141592654 on September 8th, it caused a disruption in the time stream that caused the Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd to be flung to 2166 and so close to the Nessie, the shuttle, that it collided with the Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd and lodged itself in amidship and penetrated the hull. In a panic, Bernheim activated his ejection systems causing his cockpit to not eject due to its location and causing him to hit his head on the cockpit and get a concussion that caused him to permanently lose consiousness. The Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd continued on its course towards Earth, but as they attempted to stop they realized that the Nessie severly damaged one of their primary warp power conduits. Their warp drive is r'rance powered, a highly unstable substance that is unpredictable if exposed to anything other than ozone. The r'rance made contact with the Nessie, causing its hull to melt and become covers for the newly separated ends of the conduit and caused the warp drive to start to overload necessitating a shutdown by the Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd crew. With the shutdown of the warp systems, they were relying on simple impulse (as opposed to advanced impulse which has an IQ (impulse quotient) of 101 or more while simple impulse is less than or equal to 50 (standard impulse is 51-100)). Due to their IQ of 18 and their recent entrance into Earth's gravitational field, the Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd plummeted towards Earth's surface but defying several laws, both of physics and the (former) state of Alabama, used the gravity to swing themselves towards Sol and were going to use that to swing themselves back to their time, but they came slightly too close to Sol, causing them to crash into it causing their r'rance to convert to trilithium (when mixed with hydrogen, r'rance becomes trilithium) and caused Sol to collapse producing a shockwave that obliterated the Sol system causing a total reversion of the current timeline back to the original timeline and the original timeline to the correct timeline where the anonymous user never posted the TCT article and thus negating all events that have happened since then relating to the TCTs and all the lettuce became unwilted preventing the deaths of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Joseph Stalin, one not-quite human resident of Carbon Creek, Pennsylvania, the guy that created a ground-breaking science-fiction television series in Earth's 1960s, and Zephram Cochrane which restored the natural timeline to correct, working order preventing the TCTs from ever being created and preventing many cases of very bad gas, the destruction of Aquarius' mansion, bp's Pizza Hut and the death of all humans and the crew of the Kl'innt-Howw'aa'rr'd, which in the correct timeline possibly never existed due to the loss of information on the First Federation after first contact and the listing of Bailey as MIA and the restoration of all time to normal.
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